This is the start of probably a 3-piece segment, sharing my experience in grief through the loss of my dad and then my mom. I apologize to begin with that I am not a great writer, but I ask you to bare with me as I share some lessons I learned.
We all have experiences in our lives that can help someone when we share. It can also be therapeutic for ourselves. There are many reasons that may make us hesitant to, but that is not a reason not to. I am not a very strong writer and I often use that as an excuse. That and the fact it takes me so long to write. However, I see so many people that have such a difficult time dealing with grief of a loved one and it breaks my heart! I have been there many times in the last few years, on both ends of the spectrum. I had dealt with loss as a child and young adult, yet it wasn’t until my Dad died that I loss someone that was a major part of my life.
I will warn you, this will be a long read, but I promise to try keeping it as short as possible and will break it up. In October 2003 my Grandmother (Mother’s side) passed away. I was very sad and tried hard to get home for the funeral, but just couldn’t make it happen. It went beyond just being difficult, it honestly was like hitting a brick wall. No matter which way I went about to try to find a way, I just could not make it happen. I would realize six weeks later why.
I always shut my bedroom door when I went to bed, but this night would be different. As I walked into my room, I reached back to shut the door and quickly realized it didn’t shut. When I turned around to close it, I remember stopping and telling myself it was okay and proceeded to bed. Sometime around 2 a.m. the phone rang. Did you guess it? Correct, had the door been shut, I would not have heard the phone out in the living room. The call had already gone to voicemail by the time I could get my drowsy self to the phone. I assumed it was a friend of mine that worked third-shift and would call me in the middle of the night thinking I had nothing better to do, LOL. But as I went to dial his number I had a strong feeling to wait and check the voicemail. It was by far one of the worst messages I received in my life. As soon as I heard my Mom’s voice telling me my Dad was in a coma, I knew beyond a doubt this was the end.
My Dad had health problems for years including numerous surgeries with high odds he wouldn’t make it off the table. At any other time in my life, if I even thought about losing him I would fall to pieces. The pain was so unbearable that I honestly wondered if his death would kill me.
Not being able to reach Mom back, I called the two hospitals he normally would go to and was able to find where he was. They put me through to a Nurse at ICU and she told me I needed to get there ASAP! I hung up the phone and just sobbed! Yet, I had an overwhelming feeling that told me I was going to be okay and I also knew that feeling came from God’s mighty Grace! I also knew my bedroom door being open that night was not an accident or coincidence. After a while of crying and sobbing I think I went into shock. I was just numb and honestly had no idea of what to do. I called and left a message at work that went kind of like…”Hi, this is Tami. I’m not sure if I will be into work tomorrow. I just found out my Dad is in a coma and is going to die. But I’m not sure what I am doing, so if I’m not there tomorrow, that is why. But I might be in, I just don’t know.”
I woke up surprisingly refreshed and acted like it was just any other morning. I didn’t have the heart to tell my son, so after I sent him off to school, I went to work. Needless to say they were surprised to see me and we went right into the office to look at flights to get home. Everything fell right into place with such little effort! The only flight I could find that I could afford departed from San Antonio, which was three hours away and arrived at an airport two hours from where I needed to be. One of my co-workers called his wife and she agreed to take me to the airport. Called a friend of mine in Maine and he agreed to pick me up. Think this took about 30-45 minutes to arrange. My work cut my paycheck early so I could afford the ticket. Had I tried to force my way home for my Grandmother’s death, I wouldn’t have been able to go home for my Dad’s.
It had been a year since I had seen my Dad. I had moved to Texas with my son in the summer of 2001. Being so far from my parents was hard, but I knew Maine was not the place for me. My parents went to Florida for vacation. They had told me that if I could just get there, they would take care of the hotel and take us to a couple attractions. I was going no matter what!! The car I had was on it’s last leg and even though I knew it wouldn’t make it, I was going on faith. The night before I was to leave, some friends of mine came over and insisted I took their truck. Thank you Father God for providing! They took my son and I to Disney and Universal Studios. Some spoiled little brat insisted that we go to Disney on Christmas Day. She quickly came to regret that choice as it was 25 degrees (she brought no warm clothes), the lines were 10 miles long and she wasn’t having any fun! (Yes, I occasionally speak of myself in the third person!) I was able to leave with two wonderful memories. The first was watching a skit from The Beauty and the Beast where they pulled people from the audience to participate. Dad was the Beast! I still laugh! The other was Mom dragging me onto the It’s a Small World After All ride. Wasn’t so wonderful, but grateful to have the memory of that and all the times we laughed about it later.
Dad’s final days were very difficult to say the least. To watch this once big, tough man just lay there lifeless was so hard. I spoke to him praying that he heard me. And although he was declared brain-dead, I believe in my heart his spirit heard me. I remember when I told him two of his estranged son’s were coming to see him, he shed a tear. It was a time of healing for them and many others. There were so many miracles and healings that came about through Dad’s death. And as a Christian, I was able to recognize many of them and give glory to God for them. There were a few moments that I observed that started to teach me about the separation of the physical body and our spirit though, even if I couldn’t fully comprehend it.
Mom and I woke up and were sitting at the table sipping our tea. Mom was so amazing, always knowing me better than myself at times. She knew I was having an extremely difficult time that morning. I jumped at the opportunity when she suggested she go to the hospital and come get me later. I dilly-dallied for a while before I finally made myself get in the shower. I took my time getting ready. I finally thought it was strange that Mom hadn’t came back to get me yet, so I called the hospital. Dread and fear consumed me when the nurse said, “Do you know what’s going on in the room?” I just started crying and desperately cried, “No, what’s going on?” Lillian got on the phone and explained they had taken Dad off the life support. She offered for Uncle David to come get me and I agreed. While I waited, she called back and said “He’s gone.” I replied “I know, he’s coming to get me.” “No, you’re dad is gone.” I asked for David to still come get me and just wailed why I waited.
I am tearing up just writing this. I can remember the pain I felt, the loss, the hurt. I was so angry at Mom at first! It did not take long for God to tell me there was a reason. I felt so terrible for being mad at Mom, that I had to apologize to her before we even left the hospital and more importantly to tell her I wasn’t angry at her and I knew she did what she needed to do. About a month later, I found out I was pregnant at the time of his death. I truly believe that’s why I wasn’t there.
I was so grateful to be able to go home for Dad’s final days, don’t get me wrong. And perhaps it is a bit selfish of me but I truly regretted Dad not being able to speak to me before he died. And even more so, not hearing him tell me he loved me. Just one last time.
I had ‘unresolved grief issues’ for the following 6 years. I would just start crying at the drop of a hat for no reason. I remember even being angry at God at times. And I questioned why I couldn’t be more like my mother? She lost her mother, 6 weeks later her husband and 6 weeks later her younger sister. Somehow she managed to keep it all together. I just couldn’t imagine.
freedominchristpicayune 